Don’t freak out, but you’re dead! Welcome to the Afterlife!
You had a good run, and all of us here thoroughly enjoyed watching your life, so thank you for all the entertainment. We know that the transition from life to afterlife can be a lot to take in, but please remember everyone in history has had to make this journey, so you’re not alone. Hopefully this brief document should enlighten you as to what comes next, AND answer some of the questions mankind has been asking for thousands of years. Come on; don’t act like you’re not even a little bit curious!
THE BIG FIVE
1 – Where am I?
Let’s just say for now that you’re on a different planet. The reality is that your Universe is something that we invented. We essentially created a really big playground in which you could flounce about. Your Universe is actually kept in a box we house in a lab, hence the saying we gave you “Think outside the box”. Remember the movie “The Truman Show”? That’s kind of like what’s been going on. When we saw you guys make that movie, we were like “Uh OH!” We thought you were going to figure out the whole game. But of course you didn’t, because of religion, which we’ll get to in a bit. (We LOVE that whole religion thing. Couldn’t wait to see what you guys were going to come up with next! Scientology was easily the most entertaining one though).
2 – What Is Life?
I know you want some lofty answer here, but the simple truth of the matter is that it’s a computer game. Not just any game, but the best computer game in history! You see we are like you, human, just way more advanced. As technology evolved we needed more advanced methods of entertainment. A visionary scientist invented the Universe, but a genius TV producer bought the rights from the Scientist and hey presto, we had the first wholly interactive Reality TV/Computer Game combo ever.
Once the Universe exploded into existence, we just stood back. We didn’t know what was going to evolve. Betting is big in our world, and it gave us so much new stuff upon which to wager. Where will life evolve first? Will the fishy things move out of the sea? Can the hilarious monkey men (best period of the show for slapstick) learn to use fire? What insane fashion trend are people going to adopt next? (Hipsters we’re looking at you!) Honestly it is so much fun. You’ll see!
Anyway the show catered for everyone, all personality types. For example, people into Romantic comedies could watch their favourite couples reeling in the years, and for a fee, they could insert obstacles, luck or incidents, good or bad, into their lives. Most people chose good things. But as with all societies, we too have our assholes. These people played throughout history with war, suffering and famine. These guys are mostly Emo teenagers with issues, and they usually grow out of it. Problem is, the next generation take up the cudgels and keep the up the misery. That’s how you always have horrible things happening down there. However that’s not entirely on us, your own asshole people creating poverty and then doing nothing about it had a hand in that too.
3 – What is Death?
Again, to talk in computer game terms, it’s game over, and you only get one life (Cats actually do get 9, so every cat you thought looked like your old cat, was your old cat!). Once your body dies, your consciousness “uploads itself to the cloud”. So, in a way, you kind of had the whole God sitting on a cloud thing spot on. Except for the God part. Way off there. Well done you! Once uploaded, we throw that consciousness into a new body, you aged 21 forever, which is everyone’s age out here. You managed to get the whole 21st Birthday significance thing spot on too, except for America. 21 is way too late to start drinking. We’re big fans of drinking and smoking out here. And cursing. We don’t trust people who don’t curse. What do you do if you bang your elbow on a door? Shout “Oh My Goodness”? Bullshit you do.
Those of you who chose to be organ donors get bonus points, and those of you who hedged your bets because you thought you might need your organs in the afterlife are docked marks for stupidity. I mean, you have seen bodies after they’ve been dug up, right? They don’t go anywhere, and look totally gross. Bunch of zombie looking cadavers roaming about a Heaven filled with blonde half men half eagles playing harps, all the damn time? That’s what you were hoping for? Really?!?
4 – What about Religion?
All of them were wrong. No one wins. As your scientific knowledge grew we figured you would come around to logic. Middle Ages people hanging onto superstitious fairy tales? Fine, we can understand that. But 21st Century folk? Come on. And some of the rules? Wow. So many crazy things. Look we could talk for ages about this one, but all of you were wrong. Except for the scientists. Those crazy nerds with their experiments were telling you everything you needed to know. But there was one thing that they could not explain: what came before The Big Bang?
Nothingness? We know that was a hard concept to wrap your head around. And you’re right, it weirds us out too. We figure that we are a computer game for some other species for shit sake!
Well for your piece of mind, what came before the Big Bang, was just the inside of a metal box. The creator of the Universe was this crazy scientist out here who threw a bunch of science into a box, and when he closed the lid, the science stuff exploded and yada yada yada….Universe! (look I’m just a PR guy, you can talk to the scientists yourselves when you meet them).
So we get it, down on Earth you’re going to have questions. But come on! A White guy living in the Middle East does some magic and comes back from the dead? Another guy who hates to see himself in pictures, and promises dudes a bunch of Virgins in Heaven? Wow. And that’s just 2 of these religions! Did any of those guys write their own books? NO! The only one who wrote his own book was a failed science fiction writer. A Science Fiction Writer!!! Oh Scientologists, never change.
Also you didn’t get suspicious when all these horrible things were happening to people and, surprise surprise, no new sightings of the bearded magician coming down to sort shit out? So no, no one chose right, nor did you have to choose. Just being alive and entertaining us for all those years ensures you end up here. (By the way getting stoned and watching some of your religious ceremonies is a really popular thing to do here in College Frat Houses).
5 – What Can I Expect from The Afterlife?
Well it’s not clouds, harps and blonde dudes with wings, that’s for damn sure! (How would that have worked exactly? Could you fly? Do you have to wear white? Does everyone sprout wings, and if so, how do you know which ones the angels are, and how uncomfortable would it be to sleep with them stuck to your back? Was there really a big door with a bouncer holding a clipboard? Where would you live? Can you build a house on a cloud? How come God didn’t change his style of clothes in 2000 years? We have so many questions about Hell too. Like is Hell all fire? If so what do you wear, or is there any point? Also why does the Devil have goat legs? Do the demons get tired hurting you? Do the Demons have families? Do they get paid? Can you make friends in Hell? What is there to do in your down time? Where is Hell? And so on and so on…)
The Afterlife is pretty much the same as back on Earth. You’re going to be given a place to live. You’ll get a job based on the type of thing you did when you were alive. There will obviously be some comeuppance for those of you who were horrible people while you were alive. You’ll be going to prison for a long time, where you will have your “attitude adjusted” as well as having all of the horrible things you did, done to you, by those you did the horrible things to in the first place. Several times over. You can think of it as Hell if that makes you feel better.
There are obviously different types of prisons, punishments and length of sentences for the various different offences. All will become clear when a panel of judges sits down to watch the DVD of your life to pass judgment. (Don’t worry everyone, masturbation was allowed!)
Look down. Those of you who are wearing a red jumpsuit will be going before the court. Those of you wearing a green one, go to orientation, where you will have your own personal meeting with a member of staff who was once in your shoes. Remember in the history of Mankind, 107 Billion people have sat where you sit right now. Some of those people now work in HR and will ease you through the process.
You will be given a communication device with all your old family/acquaintance’s numbers preprogrammed. So once you get settled you can meet with them for a beer or, in the case of family, eventually an argument.
A few shorter questions we often hear.
Do Animals Come Here Too?
Nope. There are already 107 Billion of you to deal with. Have you any idea how many ants have died? No you don’t, because numbers don’t go up that high. We do have dinosaurs in animal prisons though. Sorry, “Zoos”
Can I Meet Famous People?
Look every guy who comes through here asks for Marilyn Monroe’s number. Not gonna happen guy. Famous people are still famous. Nightclubs still have bouncers. You might, or might not get in. Some famous people from history make a living out here on the Public Speaking circuit. If you get tickets you can get to ask them questions. Word of warning, The Greek Philosopher’s Show tends to go long.
Do I Have To Meet ALL Of My Relatives From History?
Nope. And I don’t advise it. The further back you go, the weirder people get.
What Do We Wear Here?
Clothes. Stupid question.
How Do We Get Around
Because of the incomprehensibly vast size of our world, we use teleportation. There are also public bicycles.
So just sit tight and wait to be called, and all your remaining questions will be answered.
Oh, one last thing. We are all black here, so white people, you’re now the minority. Enjoy.