The following is the actual train of thought I had on a recent flight. I abhor flying and so I usually self medicate with alcohol and a variety of prescription tablets.
This is exactly what went on in my head during the flight. It has not been edited.
And to my horror I realised the seatbelt was already fully extended…
It’s hugely apparent I’m not right at present. But I’m actually on the plane, like some sort of spy. I made it. But now, I’m on the plane. Another collective of neuroses perks up and asks to be addressed. The lady beside me is speaking a language I am trying to decipher. It’s no doubt an easy one. It may also transpire she is speaking English. Regardless, I will find out about her and her Nordic looking husband. It looks as though they own an RV, but they are on a plane? So I am thoroughly confused. Had a dream about surfing a tsunami. Seemed to be the craic.
If I go asleep and I snore ridiculously loudly, would they wake me up? I’d prefer to know, rather than have all the people hate me without me knowing. Just wake me up. I’ll sort it.
The couple could be French or German. I mean that’s how little I’m getting from snatched sound bites collected between panic attacks.
What there’s no smoking on this flight at all?!?! Bullshit.
I’d like to drive a plane. But on the ground. Like the taxiing business. I’d like to drive a planelike a car. See how that goes.
They could be Sweedish. Probably Nordic. I’m gonna have to ask them. My OCD won’t not don’t do what Donny Don’t does.
There’s a flute version of Claire DeLune, accompanied by a synth harp playing on thisplane. I just spat at the speaker. It’s like an Abu Ghraib CD. Jesus it’s soul destroying.
The pilot is after ticking over the engine. He has the keys anyway. I’m not listening to any of this emergency doo daas business. I hope my natural survivalist skills and murderous rage see me through any issues we may encounter. I’d prob survive longer if we had to eat humans than landed on a vegetable island. I’d go for thigh. Thigh has to be good. My head is very heavy. This lullaby actress with the voice doing the safety doo daa is really good. I wonder if it’s one of the trolley people and not some actress. Cause I’m gonna want to meet her voice.
We’re going to take off now. The worst bit. Always convinced that the tail is gonna break away after scraping the ground. I’d be the guy they pathetically try to save, but they know they can’t hold him, and they look horrified as I slip , finger by finger away from their sweaty grasp. Then I go”Aiiiieeeee” as I sail out into the air, helplessly flailing about like a muppet waving an enthusiastic goodbye. We’re about to do the acceleration bit now. The plane arse scratch bit is the issue I’ve got with this business. Wait, this bitch beside me I think is asleep?! We’re not even airborne. I ate something not good for me. I’m not right. God I hope I sleep. I’ve been typing constantly for a good while and No CIA.
So I’m obviously not a hot topic. Wow, I’m on a plane. Here we go. Making me feel like getting sick yo. We’re in the air. This plane is huge, I hope there’s plenty of balloons in its roof parts. Wait could this couple be speaking multiple languages?!? This changes everything. Wow, a little TV. And a remote! Let’s see what shit can make me forget about fags and flying in a giant ass plane. Is it aeroplane or airplane? Surely both? But why? Masons? We’ve got a customer service manager addressing us. This guy. Not my kind of guy. Let’s see him manage me. Really, they could be Brazilian. I may have to ask them. I’ll ask this oulwan.
The one reading this. Hey oulwan if you can read this tell me the weird language you are speaking. I’m baffled. Are you from V? And you’re actually The reptile lady, Diana. That was the name of that chick from V. She was amazing. But why were the aliens lizards? Surely being a lizard with claws and such would not lend itself to creating vehicles capable of interstellar travel? Didn’t Diana eat a Guinnet pig or a rat one time, raw? I think she did. Why lizards?
Wouldn’t it have been more realistic if the V people were People? I need to rewatch that shit. My arms are floaty. Are they bringing food or do I talk to the people next to me. They’re Sweeds!!! Boom. Heard them say to trolley person. Where’s the wifi on this bitch? There’s either a child being upset or a pig being murdered. If it is the latter, I hope they’re going to cook it.
Fantastic Mr. Fox, 2 vodkas.
Slept. Slept like a pro. Right through dinner. My throat is dry which can only mean one thing, horrifying mouth breather comatose basso Profundo unstoppable turbulence inducing snores were happening. All around me would have tried to wake me, but to no avail. All the while a ferocious sleeping war cry fills the cabin.
I’ve probably not made too many friends on the flight. I fell asleep during Fanrastic Mr Fox. Woke up and watched Teenage mutant ninja turtles. What an utter pile of puke. They say the outside temp here at 30,000ft is -64 degrees. But is it really? Would it be the same as -64 on the ground? Hmm. There’s a very Persian looking man standing next to me. It’s like he picked up an identikit with a silky shirt, some extra girth, a Moustache, and lots of gold.
This plane is going arseways into London and this I’m not happy with. Is the Isle of Man named after a particularly manly man? Or just a bunch of dudes so insignificant they didn’t deserve a name check?