Howdy. I’ve been watching you from afar these past few months, and I thought I’d get in touch, because, well, I’m worried about you. Hell, the world is worried about you, and we’re also worried for ourselves.
Your quadrennial election saturnalia has always been entertaining to us. What’s not to like? From the painfully long process to nominate a single candidate from both the Republicans and the Democrats, to the orgy of backslapping that is each party’s Convention, to the attack ads and scandals that plague the run in to the actual election to find your next President. It’s all great fun. Real human drama on a monumental scale.
Now before I go on I must say, I am no expert on politics. I’m with Billy Connolly who once said “the desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one”. I’m mistrustful of people who long for power. That’s just my outlook. At the Presidential level it is rare that you find someone who is wholly altruistic, and for the people. Bernie is the closest thing I’ve seen to this in years. But he was never going to win the nomination. His own party seemingly saw to that…
Anyway, I watched your Republican Convention Clusterfuck Apocalypse last week, and holy shit, I’ve never seen so much crazy in one place before. You do realise that everyone there looked and acted like a caricature of how the rest of the world sees the very worst of you? You do realise this venomous Shitshow was seen all over the world?
Now before you think I’m simply anti American or brand me some sort of Commie, let me stop you there. I have been in various cities in America, probably over a dozen times in my life. I lived there for two summers, did tours with orchestras (I know, lefty artsy Commie bastard), visited friends and spent hugely enjoyable holidays in the company of some wonderful American friends. There are lots of sane intelligent people living in you. It’s just that none of them would have been present at the RNC Hate Fest of 2016.
Rather than extolling the positive virtues of your candidate, it was Hate and Fear that seemed to be the order of the day. They drafted in Z list celebs to speak: Chachi from Happy Days, some handsome man from Dancing With The Stars, The UFC President Thug whose regular speaking voice is a scream. Honestly, who gives a flying fuck what any of these people have to say? Seriously.
Obviously they also had to bring out various politicians to counterbalance the glitzy showbiz these luminaries brought to the proceedings. Chris Christie, a no nonsense petty bully, didn’t really speak as much as he did whip the attendees into a feeding frenzy, calling on those gathered to continually scream GUILTY in relation to various imaginary charges he levelled at Crooked Hillary.
What followed was a parade of right wing fear mongers urging everyone to accept that they were living in a country which was looking more and more like some Mad Max post Apocalyptic wasteland, whilst paradoxically professing that America is “the greatest country on Earth”. If it’s such a shit hole filled with murderers, terrorists and rapists, why are you so sure it’s the best? It should also be noted that the only other countries as aggressively arrogant as to use this phrase are places like North Korea and Russia. The rest of us like aspects of our own countries, and elements of other countries. That’s why we travel. That’s why we like to sample other cultures.
None of the speakers were as generally unhinged as Rudy “9/11” Giulliani. His style of rhetoric could politely be described as deranged. He roared and gesticulated wildly. He told everyone to be afraid, his hysterical bug eyed face puce with anger and vitriol. And what, dear friends should you be worried about? Gun control? Hell no. You should be worried about Islamic Extremist Terrorism. You know, the guys constantly attacking America these past few months. Wait, no that’s all happening thousands of miles away in Europe and the Middle East. But they are coming. Holy shit maybe they are already there! Please don’t worry about the mass shootings that are happening all over America. That’s always just a lone wolf mentally disturbed gunman. Wait, unless he’s a Muslim? Or he’s black…
Melania Trump is fantastic at being a very attractive woman, and I am in no way going to say anything to the contrary. Am I surprised that she copied lines from Michelle Obama’s speech from 2008? Not really. I figured something crazy would happen. I was just too exhausted to care, because I was trying not to drown in the irony of the whole situation. A heavily accented immigrant addressing thousands of delegates and rabid Trump Fan Club members whose main problem with the country is that all the immigrants are taking good American’s jobs. But in fairness, I don’t think that there are too many professionally beautiful white American women lining up to become Trump’s Playmate…
The rest of Trump’s family spoke. His children looking like the poster children for Hitler’s ideal humans. His son, Donald Trump Jr.’s automaton calm and Tommy Hilfiger whiteness belies something sinister behind the eyes, and I was not the only one who found him disturbing. While he spoke at the convention #PatrickBateman was trending on Twitter. Bateman, of course being the main character from the movie “American Psycho”.
There were too many talking points from the convention to dissect every one individually. From that crazy looking blonde lady’s Nazi salute, to the dancing handsome man’s unwavering belief that Obama is a Muslim. There was the cheer that greeted the news that Brian Rice, on trial for the murder of Freddie Gray in police custody, would face no charges, and let’s not forget that Trump advisor saying he would have Hillary shot. However, one was so egregious it deserves to be addressed. 7 time Iowa senator Steve King was on an MSNBC panel when he said the phrase “When did any other sub group of people contribute to Civilization?”
Mr. King, are you fucking high? Either you are a card carrying textbook white supremacist, or just the most uneducated man currently holding office. Setting aside your use of the grossly ignorant term “sub group” (the prefix sub meaning “beneath” “less than” or “secondary”) you are so fucking wrong on so many levels it makes the inside of my head scream. You don’t seem to realise that your country, in its current iteration, is a mere 239 years old. We have pubs older than that here in Ireland. Pubs.
There were no white people on your land for thousands of years. Civilization began in Africa almost 5000 years ago you knuckle dragging mouth breather. What do you think people were doing before America was born? Who invented the gunpowder you used to decimate the Indigenous population of your great land? Well, that would be China, you book-phobic philistine. The list of contributions to society by Non Whites is as legion as you are ignorant, so I can’t list them all.
I take it that you would be a fan of military history? The great battle of Cannae (216BC), in which Hannibal (oh, you might think I’m talking about the fictional serial killer. Sorry, no this is the elephants guy. You like elephants right?) enveloped 86,000 Romans and wiped them out, is still considered the greatest tactical feat in the history of warfare. This battle is taught to this day in Military Academies like West Point, where your brave soldiers learn about the militaristic genius of Hannibal of Carthage, a member of the non white African “sub group”.
So, Mr. King, respectfully, go fuck yourself, you absurd waste of flesh and bone. I’d advise you to wear some sort of big hat, to stop your tiny brain from escaping from your cavernous empty skull.
Sorry, that had to be done.
Then there was the demagogue himself, who strode out like The Undertaker at Wrestlemania . Listen America, we’ve really enjoyed all the hilariously embarrassing and obviously sociopathic things he was doing for the last year. It was great craic, but we honestly didn’t think he would ever get the nomination. It just couldn’t happen. We figured common sense would prevail. His complete lack of policies, his anti Muslim pomposity, his incitement to violence, his pledge to kill the families of terrorists, his support of torture, his denigration of Mexicans and immigrants in general, his casual racism, his misogyny, his pro life stance, his pro NRA second amendment views, his admiration of fellow sociopathic despots like Putin, his aggressive anti Obamacare ideas and on and on it goes…
He spoke about fear, and he spoke angrily about fear. He told his minions that he is the only one that will keep you all safe. From what? That’d be Muslims, immigrants, and having to be politically correct. You should be afraid, but not for the reasons he is championing. You should be afraid of him, because he really doesn’t give a fuck about you. He is a dangerous narcissist. He only cares about himself. He will ruin you.
The only thing we know for sure is that he is going to “Build a wall”, which of course is never going to happen. Aside from the cost, there are issues regarding terrain, private land and so forth. Where are his policies? He want’s to get rid of Obamacare, but replace it with what? He’s not going to do a damn thing about guns, the thing you should be most afraid of. His business acumen is sketchy at best, and his personal wealth grossly exaggerated. He makes a habit of insulting almost everyone who disagrees with him, so imagine how he would do with his advisers on matters of global security? This man could end up with the nuclear codes. Just think about that for a minute.
Currently we here in Europe are watching your country eat itself. Not since the civil rights era in the 60’s have we seen such a tumultuous period in race relations. So bad is the system of inherent racism that the African Americans have had to create the Black Lives Matter movement. Now hold on to your brain bone White America, here comes some real talk.
Black Lives Matter is only there because they, as a minority, feel like they’ve got the shitty end of the stick. They see their people die at the hands of police who in turn walk free of all charges. It’s really that simple. If they weren’t upset about the status quo, there would be no need for BLM. It’s a reactive movement, a consequence of their reality. It’s a reality that we are constantly having to read about, which seems to have reached absurd levels with the shooting of Charles Kinsey, who physically could not do anything more to assume a non threatening position. (It later transpired that the officer was actually trying to shoot the autistic man who was at the time sitting and playing with a toy train. Phew, so not a racist cop then…)
To say that BLM is a terrorist movement and to counter it with All Lives Matter, is to wholly, and blindly, miss the fucking point. Again, BLM is reactive while ALM is an imbecilic fucking childish finger in the ears response to once again deny the fact that there is problem with how African Americans are treated in your increasingly batshit crazy society. Of course All Lives Matter you cloth brained trolls, it’s just that at the moment, black lives seem to be treated less importantly than all the rest. If you started shooting Asians then you’d have Asian Lives Matter. Take a step out of your pudgy white bodies for a minute and try to see things from someone else’s point of view.
I assume that all the All Lives Matter people are good God Fearing Christians. So I ask you all to turn to the 8 Beatitudes of Jesus, in which your Lord and Savior said “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth”. He singled out the meek because they were having a shite time, what with their being meek. Do you think his crowd of followers shouted “Don’t you mean blessed be us all Jesus?” Of course not. Now get the fuck out of here.
The same goes for your blanket distrust and suspicion of all Muslims. ISIS are killing Muslims too. They are extremists. Violent thuggish bastards. Real Muslims they are not, so not all Muslims are terrorists. I’m Irish. I know a thing or two about terrorism, and how a very small minority can blacken the name of an entire people. Yes the IRA are terrorists, but not all Irish are. (Hey what’s the name of that famous Irish cocktail? Oh yeah, Irish Car Bomb. Thanks American barmen).
We live in an age where all of humankind’s knowledge is at our fingertips, and yet people are still swayed by bombastic rhetoric and empty promises. If you were so inclined you could link the political similarities between present day America and Germany in the 1930’s, but I’ll leave Jew to figure out that one…
America we still care about you. We want you to get better. We want you to make sure your passports are in date and we invite you come to Europe, talk to us, and get a different view on things. We want you to stop watching Fox News, we want you to educate yourself and don’t allow yourselves to be infected by the toxicity of Drumpf and his acolytes. They want you scared, they want you to fear what you do not understand.
Wouldn’t you prefer to feel happy, rather than simply not being afraid anymore?
(I had to leave out a lot. Here are some of the things I didn’t mention or reference – McCarthyism, Salem Witch Trials, Big Business, The Koch Brothers, GOP Corruption, Corporations, The Banks, College Tuition, Health Care Cost, Not supporting Veterans who come home from wars, Incredible Mexican Food, Evangelical Christian Maniacs, Climate Change Deniers, Creationism, Shambolic school Education, Guns Guns Guns, Cursing being as bad as murder, 2 party system not technically being a democracy, “Freedoms”, Poverty, Guns again,The Illuminati, Fast food, Brexit. Wait, they fucking voted for Brexit!!! Run for the hills everyone. To Everyone stock up on canned goods and guns…)