Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Alter Ego Inc. is here to help.
Picture the scene…
You’re out some night and you meet someone at the club. It’s loud. You’re both dancing, stealing glances. The ebb and flow of the dance floor pushes you both gradually closer. All smiles. There’s an obvious attraction. He/She looks intoxicatingly different to everyone in your life. So Bohemian. The song ends, you both laugh and walk to the bar. A drink is had. Some light conversation tunnels its way under the blanket of screaming beats. Then a kiss…
He/she invites you to leave the club and go to this other “joint” (who even says joint?) where they know some people. You agree. (You’ve never even heard of the venue, how crazy is that?!) Is this really happening?
You arrive at the venue, well more a speakeasy really. No sign? (how do people know where it is?!) Very cool. Everyone there looks like Hipster Royalty. There’s a photographer walking around, (just taking pictures of people talking! What the Hell is this place?) beers you’ve never heard of, jam jars for glasses, records on the wall, moustaches, someone doing caricatures (they already have a photographer! A whaaaaat?!?) a dog with a bandana, a guy with a pocket watch, an olde timey cash register and a fire juggler (Indoors!!! Can you frickin believe it?). It’s dizzying.
You feel like you’ve stepped through the looking glass. You gaze over at your new love, whose arrival seems to have been greeted as the one crucial element the party was missing all along. The DJ stops the music and announces his/her arrival. Everyone cheers. Your gigantic beaming smile ties a knot at the back of your head. You’ve never been so happy.
The new object of your infatuation takes your hand and leads you over to a group of men and women who look like the most interesting people on Earth (One has a parrot on his shoulder, another is reciting poetry she has written, some of them are sitting on the floor!!! You couldn’t make this up!) and before he/she introduces you, he/she takes your hand and through an excited welcoming smile, charmingly admits “God, I don’t even know your name….”
You know those dreams you have about having to do some exam and you haven’t studied, and when you wake up there is that moment, just for a second, where you imagine this nightmare scenario to be true, and you get a primal surge of panic and fear? That. That is how you now feel. Because you work in HR, and nothing about your boring grey life is interesting.
You can’t join this coterie of beatniks with your background, your interests (Favorite Drink – Budweiser, Favorite Fish – Gold, Favorite TV Show – Not the Wire etc. Favorite Movie – Books etc…).
No there is only one thing for it. To stay in this dreamlike nether world, you must become someone else.
But who?
That’s where Alter Ego Inc. comes in handy. For a once off payment of $500 we can give you a complete alter ego. An exciting name with a fully realised back story and Facebook account. We will also provide you with a portfolio containing all the information you need about family, friends, pets, interests, favorite films etc. We will also furnish you with cheat sheets on a wide range of subjects, from astrology to the Zeta Cartel.
Our team of professional writers will craft hugely entertaining anecdotes containing all manner of High Jinxery, set in exotic locales, with which you can regale your new acquaintances.
In short, we can make you become the person you always dreamt you could be, but can’t because of your depressing, vanilla existence.
But for how long could I keep up the charade? That’s the best part. It could be one night or it could be months, years even! Remember, it all depends on your own personal level of sociopathy!
So in order to whet your appetite, here are a few of our finest alter egos, with just a couple of tidbits of information about each.
If you like one, please get in touch, as once we sell one, it’s gone for good. We can’t have 2 guys called Brock Flouncé roaming about the place. That would be ridiculous!
Kibbles McGillicuddy – Daughter of a wealthy Whiskey Baron. Paints by blowing paint on a canvas (anyone can do this so this is an easy lie to maintain. We also provide you with a pretentious background explanation as to what your paintings represent). Has never worn jeans. Thinks flowers are “gross”.
Gnap Knap – Professional poker player. Insists on wearing shades indoors. Hates the sun. Once fought a guy with a knife, and carries a scar with him from the encounter somewhere near his groin. He’ll show you, but he’ll have to take off his pants to do so. Favorite come on is showing people his scar.
Toots Montez – Jazz Blogger. Fantastic selection of hats (we include 2 to get you started). Knows about music that no one else has heard. Doesn’t believe in the Moon Landings, or space for that matter. Rolls his own cigarettes using old Italian Lire currency notes for paper.
Pawl Thlaf – Lived in 70 different countries growing up. Father was a gun runner (still alive, living somewhere off the grid). Drinks Bourbon. Has never worn a tie. Likes Boules. Thinks “Christmas can go fuck itself” for mysterious reasons no one has ever been able to understand. But it’s got to be something deep, right?
Fent Kimlet – The most sexually adventurous of all our characters. Flirts openly with both sexes. Constantly coy about his sexuality. Was born an hermaphrodite, but had corrective surgery. Or did he…???
Amelia Leelia – Trying to become a famous/rich psychic. Has no belief in the power of psychics, so figures if they can do it, so can she. Despite her playful name, she is cold and aloof, which only adds to her mystique. No one knows how she earns a living. She nullifies any questions about her finances by saying that any talk about money is “vulgar”. Only drinks merlot, and will cause a scene if served a cabernet.
Brock Flouncé – Brock is totally not a spy. Yes he’s lived in Barcelona, Kiev, Moscow, Vienna, and Washington, to name but a few places, but so have a lot of people. Sure he was working for the American diplomatic core, but he was just a pencil pusher. Also he’s given all that up, and is now a brand ambassador for Moët Et Chandon Champagne, where he has access to some of the most high profile events in the world, but he is definitely not a spy. A spy? Ha, that’s crazy talk…
Kevin “Xiao” Pap-Pap* – Kevin is full of energy. He has no time for material possessions, and lives out of his van. His only true love is extreme sports, wing suits, skydiving and anything where he feels “that rush”. Being alive is his drug, and the earth is his playground. *(Our focus groups have indicated that this character should only be used when surrounded by similar types, as when introduced to regular social circles he comes off as “An insufferable Arsehole”)
Sleppy Thrimmins – Born into a New Age family. Knits her own jeans. Once spent 30 hours in the sea, to see if she could force herself to breathe underwater. She couldn’t. Has won the lottery twice, and gave all the money to a dog shelter. Lives on an island. Once sang backing vocals for Dylan.
Bippy Galveston – World champion Swing Dancer (handy because nowhere has swing music anymore so you don’t have to worry about doing any actual dancing). Because of an accident she cannot remember anything before her 21st Birthday. Due to this fact she is becoming increasingly worried that she might infact be the next coming of Christ. Quite mad. This character is one of our few asexual names, so anyone can become Bippy.
So don’t delay, call 1800 – BoringNoMore TODAY!
