Hello Earthlings. My name would be difficult for your one mouth to pronounce, so let’s just call me Simon. Simon the Alien. I am an adventurer and traveler like your, how do you say, Snowboarders or David Attenboroughs.
Having been here on Earth for a little while documenting my experiences for my intergalactic blog, I contacted Vice Magazine, of whose jib I like the cut, and offered to do a series of outsider pieces for them. Because I am an alien from a far off world, and/or because I brought a laser pistol to the meeting, they happily took me up on my offer.
We decided that I would conduct a series of interviews with different interesting characters, focusing on the remarkable, the dangerous and the unusual. Today I will be dealing with that most elusive of creatures: The Vampire.
You humans seem to think that Vampires are merely mythical creatures; a fictional literary creation designed to titillate and terrify. Well I’m happy to say you are wrong. Because of my species’ vast array of ocular plugins I was easily able to notice several people whose circulatory systems were not functioning in the usual way. I gently kidnapped one of the subjects who looked like the most interesting. I asked him to agree to an interview, and owing to the fact that I’m a terrifying alien, or that he found himself on a spaceship, or perhaps once again because of the laser pistol, he agreed.
The following is a transcript of the interview.
Simon – Let’s start with how you look. My research has shown me that Vampires are usually what humans would think of as sexy types. Now I may be an alien, but you Sir look like you’ve been beaten by an ape. What gives?
Vamp – I’m sick of how movies portray us. It’s horeshit. Not all of us were turned when we were 20 something athletes, or smooth-faced Goth assholes. I was turned in 1838, in London, and I was 72 years old. I was the oldest man in Europe at the time. And I’m not talking a good healthy 72 like you see today. I look as you would expect a poor Londoner who was the oldest living human in Europe (which incidentally meant the world) to look. Anyways I was out one night celebrating the coronation of Queen Victoria. She was, incidentally, one of the hottest women on the planet back then. You know all those famous pictures of her? Well she is 23 in those pictures. 23! So that’ll give your readers an idea of how grim I look. So I have a lot of cheap booze and having a good old laugh with the locals, you know, I’m a bit of a celebrity in the town, because people think I’m a witch, you know, cause I wasn’t dead. Anyways I’m stumblebumming home and BANG, guy on my neck. Like classic vampire stuff. I remember several of them, all laughing and egging on the one who was doing the biting. They were kids, those posh fop-like Interview With A Vampire type pricks. They said they thought it would be funny to have a vampire Granddad. And so I was born again.
Simon – Wow. So did you end up living with them like some sort of family?
Vamp – Nope, I killed them all the next day. Nobody lays hands on me like that and gets away with it. Nobody. Problem was I forgot to ask them what the whole vampire deal was. The next few weeks were rough.
Simon – So you’re the oldest man in the world and now the youngest vampire. How did you adjust? What changed?
Vamp – Well I didn’t get six-pack abs and look gorgeous overnight, that’s for damn sure. We’re technically dead. Blood doesn’t pump around our bodies like regular humans. In fact, for some reason vampires smell like milk to me. I don’t know why. I’ve asked others and they’ve said I’m just weird. Anyway my body stayed the same, saggy skin, this wizened face, but I feel stronger. Like I could fuck up someone if they wanted to start some shit. Which incidentally is what I did for about 50 years. Great fun. Oh don’t hit me, I’m just an old man… Then, Blam! Punk kids.
Simon – So how many of the myths are true. Stake through the heart? Crucifix? Can you turn into a bat? Like garlic much?
Vamp – Why would a vampire turn into a bat? I’ve never understood that one. We think it’s just because of there being a vampire bat. But the mosquito drains blood from humans, bats don’t. Why wouldn’t we turn into mosquitoes? Anyway, no we can’t shape shift. Crucifixes are a myth too. That cracks us up in the movies. Especially when you see someone pick up a piece of wood and a shovel and make a cross. Woooo. Scary. I lived with a few vamps in the early 1900’s and we used to leave around bits of wood near our victims, then reveal ourselves and say “I have to turn my back for a second, and I sure hope there’s no wood around…” Then when the victim would make a cross, we’d feign terror, and then the whole gang would corpse laughing. Or rather we’d laugh around his corpse.
Simon – Oh very good. That’s a sort of joke.
Vamp – Exactly. We’re actually a lot of fun when we’re in the humour. Stake through the heart doesn’t do it either. Our hearts don’t beat remember? We need blood to live, but we eat it like you would a smoothie.
Simon – We can’t eat smoothies. We have a nutrition paste we smear onto our oxters which then soaks into one of our seven stomachs for processing.
Vamp – Sounds delish.
Simon – Depends on the flavour. My favourite is the Grey one.
Vamp – So no, stakes can’t kill us. Garlic is delicious. Why would garlic kill us? Holy water doesn’t do jack shit. It’s just water talked over by some guy in his club robes. Here’s a thing for you religious types; I’m a vampire, this dude’s an alien. Where are we in your books? Nowhere. Hmmm. What does that tell you? So talked at water doesn’t harm us, same with silver bullets, that’s for werewolves, but they don’t exist despite what Twilight or Teen Wolf would have you believe. You know I’ve been watching movies since the Lumiére Brothers did that terrifying Train movie, and I can say this with my hand on the hole where my heart was, Teen Wolf is the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen. A teen werewolf playing basketball in a highschool. What a crock of shit.
Simon – We’re getting off track here. I see you have the teeth. Do you have to feed on a live human? And how often do you have to feed?
Vamp – No and not that often. I just need blood, pig, cow human, it’ll do the job. Thing is, now remember I’m dead, but I’m also not human anymore. You get to thinking they are the weaker species, so after a few years you really don’t mind using them as food. I love humans though, but probably couldn’t eat a whole one. Vampire joke.
Simon – Well I see your sense of humour definitely isn’t dead. You’re a delight!
Vamp – In all seriousness I totally could eat a whole one. Here’s the problem though, you know how in movies vamps all use their teeth and then people find the bodies and say “oh I get it, two little holes in the neck… Vampires. Get the pitchforks”. We rarely use the teeth thing. We have to disguise the kills by making them look like good old-fashioned murder. You’ve got to move around too. It’s a lot of work, and you can’t really have nice things. Blood is impossible to get out of furniture. You learn that the hard way.
Simon – So what about the sunlight?
Vamp – That one is true, and the bane of my life. The most important thing a vampire can have is a clock. Think about it. I have to have blackout curtains on the windows wherever I’m staying. A vampire friend of mine got drunk one night in his living room. Blacked out. Next night I go over to his house again and he’s burned to a crisp in his favorite chair. Sun came up, curtains were open, and the drunken fool got fried. So it’s blackout curtains all the way. So if you can’t look outside, how are you meant to know it’s not nighttime out? We can sleep in like anyone else. A clock is a vampire’s best friend.
Simon – How is it to have to live at night?
Vamp – A pain in the ass. For example, what do you think of my clothes?
Simon – Regular human clothes. Perhaps not the best fit. I do like the old guy hat though.
Vamp – You’re damn right not the best fit. Where am I going in the middle of the night to buy clothes? I usually just get my clothes off my victims. But then you’re looking for people with the cool clothes all the time and sometimes you think, yeah that’s gonna be a great fit, and then you eat them and try on the clothes and the waist is too tight. It’s a nightmare. And all of these vampires in the movies with the tailored leather vampire gear. Where the hell do people think they get these clothes, at the Vampire store? I usually go with tracksuits. The hat is a vestige of my human life. If you didn’t wear a hat at all times in the 1800s you were considered a philistine.
Simon – So where do you live? I imagine it must be hard to buy a house, or even rent one for that matter.
Vamp – I had a house, my human house, well a flat really, back in 1838, but that has since been torn down. It was alright back in the day. Not so much now with the driver’s licenses and a 250 year old birth certificate. I now just kind of roam around. I stay with other vampires in some communes, but that gets messy. A lot of preening and modeling for each other by the younger vampires which usually lead to hissy fits about make up and clothes. Motels are good, but rarely classy establishments.
Simon – So you’re 250 years old. What’s next for you?
Vamp – I very much enjoy box sets, and TV right now is a great way to kill time during the day, so I’m happy enough. I think I’m going to stick around and see how Trump gets on as President. It’s going to be a laugh riot for anyone not worried about staying alive.
Simon – Fair enough. Finally, and I promise I won’t print this, is there anything else that can kill a vampire other than sunlight?
Vamp – The only thing I know about is tickling. Tickling can kill us.