My name is, well unless you have 6 sets of vocal chords you won’t be able to pronounce it, so let’s just call me Simon. I am an intergalactic adventurer and explorer with a thirst for knowledge, and blood! I kid, I kid, just knowledge.
My mission in life is to learn about the Universe around me and document my findings on this Galactic blog, so that we might better understand all the inhabited planets, their strengths, weaknesses, oh and you know, flora and fauna and whatever.
I stumbled across this unusual planet called Earth recently, upon which humans appear to be the most evolved species. Already acquainted with these humans from my adventures in that weird Galaxy with the Cylons, I decided to interview some of their experts on other species and customs in a bid to learn more about their planet.
In order to keep my existence a secret, and observe the Galactic Observation Imperative, every interview follows the same procedure, wherein I gently kidnap the subject, take him on board, interview him, cover him in alcohol so that he stinks and no one will believe his story, and then put him back in his environment.
The following is a transcript of my interview with Subject 1 – Brian Dawson, shark conservationist.
BRIAN – …..ugh….hello? Where am I? Ugh, my head. I can’t move my arms! Help! What’s going on!! Where am I?!
SIMON – Helooooo
BRIAN – ARRRHHGHGHGHG!!!!!! Jesus Christ!!!
SIMON – Nope. My name is SIMON. Relax guy, you’re fine.
BRIAN – AAARRRGGHHGGHGHG!!! What are you?! Oh Jesus… This isn’t happening…
SIMON – Hey, relax! I’m not going to eat you.
BRIAN – Who said anything about eating?! Christ, wake up Brian, Wake Up!!! HELP!
SIMON – Oh for Blork’s sake. Ok, hold still, I’m just going to give you something to help you relax.
BRIAN – Wait. Don’t……Oh, hey how are you?
SIMON – Great. That stuff is amazing. How you feel now?
BRIAN – I’m great thanks. What can I do for you?
SIMON – I have some questions about the creatures you call sharks.
BRIAN – No problem. Sharks are the apex predator of the ocean. They are ancient and beautiful. Evolution honed its design to make them the ultimate killing machine…
SIMON – Sorry can I stop you there, you mean they are dangerous?
BRIAN – The big ones are. Well all the ones with teeth really. The teeth run on a sort of conveyer belt, old one falls out and boom, new one ready to go. Some of the teeth are serrated for tearing through flesh. Some of them can swim up to 60mph. Different species of shark can be found all over the planet.
SIMON – So nobody ever goes into the water I presume?
BRIAN – Of course we do.
SIMON – But you are land based creatures. Why would you?
BRIAN – Why wouldn’t we?
SIMON – Oh, I don’t know, conveyer belt teeth having swimming torpedo’s of death?
BRIAN – You have it all wrong. Sharks are misunderstood. They are wonderful creatures.
SIMON – So they don’t attack humans? Or they’re afraid of them?
BRIAN – Sharks aren’t afraid of anything.
SIMON – That doesn’t surprise me. So they never attack humans?
BRIAN – Well they do occasionally. But by mistake.
SIMON – Mistake? And by attack we’re talking like they just playfully punch you?
BRIAN – Well sharks don’t have arms.
SIMON – So they shout at you to scare you?
BRIAN – No they can’t speak. An attack would generally mean some sort of bite.
SIMON – So, murder then?
BRIAN – Well it’s not murder if a shark does it.
SIMON – Why exactly?
BRIAN – Because they are in their habitat, it’s their house. We are guests, we cannot live in the ocean.
SIMON – Yet you continually invite yourself over. You break in essentially.
BRIAN – Well, it is our planet too. If we don’t bother them, they won’t bother us.
SIMON – Ok, so tell me how I can avoid being murdered by a shark when I go into the ocean.
BRIAN – Well sometimes a shark will attack a surfer, mistaking him for some sort of prey.
SIMON – Well I don’t surf, so that’s me safe right?
BRIAN – Eh, not entirely. They can get confused by shiny jewellery, contrasting coloured swimsuits, contrasting tanning and the soles of feet seem do something to them.
SIMON – This is hilarious! So basically anything human shaped that happens to be around them. Anyone who is in the water, who has skin and feet? Brilliant. Ok, ok, I suppose though they only hang around way out in the ocean and stay away from beaches and the like?
BRIAN – Well no, they have been known to prowl the surf zone and this is where the swimmers and surfers can become targets. They love the shallow water. Basically they will have a go at anything moving.
SIMON – Brilliant. You people are crazy. You go into their house, with your delicious feet dangling there like a treat and complain about being murdered by them. And you, you want to “save” these monsters?!
BRIAN – They are an important part of the eco system…
SIMON – Eco system, Shmeeko System. Enough. I’ve heard enough.
SIMON’s Verdict – If you find yourself
invading visiting Earth, do not, and I cannot stress this enough, do not go in the water. There be monsters.